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Saturday, October 11, 2008

Sir Dayvd of Oxford-shire must have some pretty strong ties with Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. He sends along a "personal message" from her to all good Knights.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
Sir Dayvd, The Right Honourable Keeper of the Queen's Telegraph to the New World Colonies,


  1. It is obvious that the Queen (or Sir Dayvd) has put a lot of thought to this. I'll tell you what: Well send it to a committee for review and debate. See you in a couple hundred years.

    Sir Bowie of Greenbriar, USA, USA, USA

  2. Please Your Highness, might we be able to have Land Rovers with a durable little Diesel under the bonnet rather than the petrol guzzling V-8?

    Sir Richard of Windsor

  3. It appears that since the Queen and Sir Dayvd have issued this "broad sweeping" recolonization effort that their own banking and government system is facing a similar crisis, as made evident by the recent storming of the Bank of England by an angry mob.

    Here's the House of Warrick's official response:
    1. The letter "U" stands for USA. U R wrong that we don't know vocabulary.
    2. You know, like, I don't really...u understand where u are, like you know...r coming know?
    3. We can bypass July 4th as a holiday, because we all know that the surrender of Yorktown by the British was the real birth of our nation!
    4. We shoot quail, not grouse, in America. As for lawyers and therapists, Dick Cheany will take care of them.
    5. We don't need no stinking guns or vegetable peelers to kick your limy arse!
    6. We reserve roundabouts and metric system tools for NASCAR!
    7. Have you ever heard of Boston Harbor (Harbour)?
    8. Can't argue on point 8. We'll give you that one!
    9. Now you're stringing two victories together. Point 9 is a "Bitter" reminder of how inferior we really are.
    10. Kevin Costner as Robin Hood. Real English doesn't get any better than awesome dude!

  4. I forgot about Kevin as Robin that really is a reason for revocation.

    Its good to see that I've elicited such a fighting response from the yankie hordes :)) Surrender at Yorktown? You know we let you win the War of Independance, because you'd have cried if we didn't. :))

    The petition to the queen also came about because, one of my favourte strip malls here, that straddles the nothern artery into Oxford at Summertown, has lost yet more of its Independant Retailers that sold interesting items that i could use at home....and what did they replace them with?... two Starbucks and a Costa Coffee. GRRR

    (rumour has it that when they finished Starbucks 2 they found a space under the basement steps they couldn't find a use for so they opened a Starbucks in it !!!)

    Okay we must do a deal....we'll stop sending you people like David and Victoria Beckham and Little Britain, if you take back these thousands of Coffeshops, KFC's, Pizza Huts and
    McDonalds... ( Please, we really do surrender this time ) LOL...

    BTW at least we are taking to the guys are just rolling over on all fours and wagging your tails as AIG taps you for yet more money to pay for the Party they have just had to celebrate the first bailout...!!!

    Start throwing some Bankers and Insurers into New York Harbour!!!

    Sir D of O

  5. I agree, perhaps in regards to Bankers and Insurers, it is time to reinstate that time old tradition of "Tar and Feather's"!