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Monday, January 11, 2010

How Cold Is It?

We have been stuck in our house since Thursday afternoon with orders not to leave or if we do drive, don't expect help when you slide off the mountain. This decree came after a tow truck slid off the road while trying to pull a Lincoln Navigator back onto the road. This was on Friday, after there had already been 42 wrecks.

So out of desperation for something to do, we decided yesterday to clean out the freezer. It's something we try to do every year. After just now reading the excellent blog on procrastination, we are now calling this event our New Year's Day freezer cleanout. The way we do it is kind of like pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, only it's more of a "hit-the-wildlife-in-the-head-with-an-iced-over-congealed-frozen-mass-that-can't-be-identified-without-DNA-testing." This year, with the arctic blast upon us, our project kills, well, two squirrels with one chunk. We not only clean out the freezer but also feed whatever starving animal we don't kill by hitting in the head. By the way, to answer, does a deer falling in the woods make a sound? I'm afraid so.

You would think by all this we had six feet of snow. Well, I'm a little embarrassed to say that our lives came to a grinding halt over one inch of snow. How much of a wimp are we? David Sorenson, a boater in Minnesota, has come up with a scale to answer the question of how cold is it.

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant a garden.

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.

40 above zero: Import cars won't start. Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. Water in Duluth harbor gets thicker.

20 above zero: New Mexicans don longjohns, parkas, wool hats and mittens. Minnesotans sailors throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. Minnesota boaters have one last cookout on the dock before it gets cold.

zero: People in Miami all die. Minnesota boat owners close the windows of the pilot house.

10 below zero: Californians fly to Mexico. Minnesota boaters get out their winter coats.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota are still selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero: Washington, DC runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 bellow zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesota boaters get upset because the boat won't start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale). People in Minnesota are heard to say, "Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota schools open 2 hours late.

Oh, and schools are closed here in Georgia again tomorrow...

Sir Lance of cabin fever


  1. Welcome back Sir Lance! As in all life, everything is relative! Be careful feeding the wildlife with you non-DNA identifiable might create a mutant beast!

    Love the Minnesota sliding scale. When Lady A and I first got married we lived in an apartment. It was a Saturday in January, about 25 degrees, when a nock on the door stirs me from the fireplace. It was our new neighbors moving in from Stillwater, MN asking if we can move our car. They were all wearing shorts and flannels with hiking boots!

    Blood is thicker than water, only if you're from Minnesota.

    SIr Hook the Lute Fisherman of Warrick

  2. my brother the eternal Floridan wears shorts all winter no matter how far north he moves...though the mountain roads have corralled them for a few days...good thinking to clean out the freezer!

    blood is thicker in KY too : )

    Lady Suz

  3. Sir Lance,

    Your cabin fever is our gain. Keep writing. Oh, and when you get tired of writing, you can always use the time productively by:

    10. Pretend you're a cereal killer and cut out Captin' Crunch, Lucky Charm, and other cereal characters out of magazines ads and paste them all over a secret closet.

    9. Put unknown frozen mass into microwave and set it on 5 hours -- just to see what happens.

    8. Clean out your clothes closet and rearrange your shorts by pastel colors.

    7. Redecorate the "brother-in-law" room.

    6. Watch the classic and beautiful movie Alive to get your mind off being stranded.

    5. Read The Donner Party Chronicles: A Day-by-Day Account of a Doomed Wagon Train, 1846-47. Again, to get your mind off..

    4. Have wife and daughter go out and shovel neighbors' drive-ways (you keep the cash, of course).

    3. Watch Oprah re-runs and graph her weight loss/gain.

    2. Mail order beer. Lots of beer. Preferably from Minnesota. They know how to deal with snow and ice and will probably deliver to your doorstep tomorrow.

    For example, Gottlieb Gluek launched the Mississippi Brewing Company in Minneapolis in 1857. Shortly thereafter, the name was changed to Gluek Brewing Company.

    And the number one way to combat cabin fever...

    1. Surf the net and buy lots and lots of cool gifts for your brother-in-law.

    Sir Bowie of Greenbriar

  4. Heh..Love the Minnesotan scale..

    Sir D ( whose mercury is rising...and the pesky snow is thawing by a few millimetres ) of O

  5. It's now beyond embarrasssment and into utter shame and I will never be able to show my face in public again. School is now closed for the fourth consecutive day on Wednesday. Hell, the only ice left to see is in a martini glass! And why didn't we ever get four days off when I was growing up!?!

  6. remember we walked to the snow...up hill there and back home...isn't that the way the story goes?

    Casey and I were talking the other days about snow forts and snowball fights.
    Facebook has a game where you throw snowballs (not that I play any of the games - don't have that much free time on my hands!)

    He remembered Amy and me against all you boys...those were the days!

    Our snow is melting, sun is shining

    Lady Suz

  7. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Philadelphia for the weekend, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Pennsylvania .

    If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Pennsylvania

    If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Pennsylvania

    This probably counts for Indiana too seeing as it is next door.

    Sir D ( The KMSA in PA ) of O